Breaking the Egg

I think I have my journals backwards. I have this blog, and also a personal journal that I keep a record of all the eventful stuff that happens to me in, but most of that wouldn't or won't get posted on here. This journal seems to be more of a reflection of what has happened to me. Specifics can be a fleeting thing here. Anyway, that was just a little side note. Now on to what I actually wanted to talk about.

We're not even a full week into the program here, and already I feel myself being tested and my boundaries shaken. So much of my life up to this point has been within the safe little eggshell in small-town Iowa. And the time I'm spending in Wales and various other places in the Celtic Isles is starting to crack that.

Emotionally, my boundaries on alcohol and the presence of it are being tested. I am kind of a bore when it comes to social events that are perceived as normal. I've never really been exposed to heavy drinking before, and wasn't raised in a house where casual alcohol consumption was a thing to do. Being over here, it's not that everyone is drunk all the time, far from it. It's the casual beer with supper and the glass of wine at lunch that tests me. I've developed this fear that one drink of alcohol is just going to lead to more and more and eventually cause problems. And I'm having to change my view of that for the most part. It's... Different.

But physically, oh my God. My boundaries are being battered like a shutter in a hurricane in that aspect. I find myself pushing to go the extra mile, to not just give up halfway through a hike. To climb 4 flights of spiral staircases with only a joking complaint here and there. Sure, I still huff and puff and wheeze and my legs hurt and I get tired. I'm not in shape, far from it and every time we go on one of these hiking excursions (a.k.a. walking off campus) I find my boundaries of what I can accomplish physically being pushed. A tiny voice in my head is saying, "You know, maybe I will be able to climb Snowdon with everyone." But I'm still worried as hell. I'm desperately hoping that I can to all these things. I WANT to do all these things. I'm just terrified that my body and my boundaries will hold me back.

Well, I don't want people to think that I'm not enjoying myself AT ALL. Far from it, I'm having a lot of fun. We traveled to Ireland today. Dublin is awesome! And I now have 3 flags in my collection of flags from countries I've visited. Got my U.K. one, my Wales one, and now my Ireland one. Soon I'll get and England one and hopefully my friends are bringing me back a France flag from when they go to Paris. Also, I'll soon own and England flag and hopefully a Scotland flag if I can get up there before the semester ends. Weekend in Edinburgh? I think yes.

But right now, I'm sitting alone in the hostel. Again. Ugh. This whole "I don't want to be around you while you drink because I get scared of drunk people and even if you aren't drunk my irrational mind will just assume you are" that prevents me from going out with everyone needs to stop. I don't want to be alone by myself anymore. But I don't want to be alone in a room full of people more than that.

Cheers and happy travels,
Cynical Pie