Monday

I leave in two days.

I'm scared.
I'm lonely.
I'm excited as hell.
I don't want to pack anymore.

I don't want to say goodbye.

Sometimes there is beauty

Hi. My name is Cynical Pie.

And sometimes? Sometimes I feel beautiful.

And I mean that not in a vain or egotistical way. It's only for a fleeting moment. When I glimpse the curve of my neck at the right angle or when the light catches my hair just right, I catch an inkling that I can be pretty.

These moments are few and far between. Most of the time I look in the mirror I see a girl who is awkward and shy and very, very unattractive. I see someone ugly. Someone unwanted. It's not a good feeling.

As an artist I savor the details of appearances. I devour pictures of the beautiful people in my J-rock magazines, tattoo and fashion books, and on the ads in Vogue. When you stare at, analyze, and draw beautiful things and then see no correlation with yourself, it gets kind of hard to be able to face your reflection each day.

But I'll get over it. That's what I always say to myself. "Let it go, this too shall pass. I'll get over it." As much as I crave attention, I can't let anyone in, let anyone know how I'm really feeling. I'm afraid that they'll just pass me off as an attention whore, push me away and then I'll be left with no one. I'm afraid of being alone. So I pour out my heart to the faceless internet and draw my beautiful, broken things in my sketchbook. Most of the time I draw beautiful, perfect things. But every so often there are sketches and pictures of how I feel on the inside. Of loneliness and ugliness and isolation. I can tell the pencil and paper, pour out my heart to the white canvas. I just wish I could tell someone to their face. It's just hard to. I can listen to other peoples' problems and give advice, but when it comes to my own problems I freeze up. It helps that most of my friends have already left for college or are too far away to see face to face. It's so easy to fake being happy on the internet and in messengers. Sometimes all I really crave is for someone to ask me how I'm really doing. But, it's so easy to put up a front through words on a screen, none can tell that behind the :) face you're really crying.

Sorry about all this if you managed to make it to the end of this very emo and random entry. It probably didn't make a lot of sense. Sometimes I just need to tell someone what's going on my my head, and the faceless internet seems like a good place to dump my problems.

Bye for now, and here's to happier days.

-Cynical Pie

In the midst of corn, there is a con...

So, this past weekend was the big one: AI. Anime Iowa. My home con. This is the convention I've been going to ever since I start attending anime conventions. I love it there. The location is amazing. The surrounding hotels are close enough that all but the extremely lazy can walk to the convention. And the people? Astounding. This year was no different. So, let's get to the timeline (I'll try and keep this as accurate as possible.)

Friday
>Midnight- Continue work on Timcampi plush from hell (more on this in a later post)
>3am- Finish Timcampi and pack
>3:45-4am- Finally go to bed
>7am- Wake up very much not like P-Diddy, instead like I've been hit by a freight train. Finish packing. Pack car when friend Sam arrives. Play tetris with my costume shit.
>8:15-9am- Run around Pella. Get Amberly. Make bank stops. Hit up McDonalds for nutritious breakfast goodies (strawberry and banana smoothies are amamzing). Leave home
>Drive, drive, drive, sing Lady Gaga, drive, drive, drive, sew Samuel's Turkey coat's buttons on. Finally arrive at Con.
>Get badges and then proceed to wait in line with friends for a few hours, taking a break to run back to the car in the rain to get the Timcampi plush of doom so I can give it to the owner.
>Derp around until the dealer's room opens, finally get into hotel room in the interm, eat food.
>Find Alicia's art booth and Alicia. Cue squealing and hugs.
>Meet up with my bros, and derp around with them the rest of the evening.
>Go back to room and sleep

Saturday
>Wake up feeling vaguely P-Diddyish, get ready to be Viking Iceland. Walk in ridiculous heat to con
>Hang out in Alicia's art booth a bunch, sketching and drawing chibis, and helping sell stuff
>Buy some prints from Studio O-n-Y
>Get mistaken for 3 different characters, none of which are who I am cosplaying. Cue ensuing blow to confidence
>Hetalia photoshoot. A lot of time and fun with my bros vs. a lot of loud idiots.
>Sit in Artist Alley some more, eat glorious pizza, find other friends, go to Masquerade
>Watch a couple of friends be BAMF Germania and Rome in the Masquerade
>Watch ex act like an idiot on stage. Derive sick satisfaction from it.
>Find Alicia and Mafimano who are FINALLY dressed in their Ancients outfits. Flail.
>Listen to Denmark-bro sing about yaoi and catcall him in final round of The Great Debate. "DEM RED PANTS!"
>Go to Perkins, overwhelm staff with our 10-person party at 10:30 at night.
>Cause a ruckus, share hilarious stories and inside jokes, finally get food at 11:10.
>Go back to room for the first time that day and change, go to the Bros' hotel room, then the con again.
>Get painted by Alicia. Dragon wings on my forearms~!
>Bros leave, left alone and get talked at by drunk people. Finally find friend Sam, go to hotel.
>Sleep

Sunday
>Wake up and frantically pack and get in casual Canada
>Pack car and empty hotel room. Go to con.
>Say goodbye to Amberly.
>Buy more prints in the Dealer's room. Also the best shirt ever.
>Hang out with my bros one last time. Say goodbye. Try very hard not to cry. (This lasts until late Sunday night.)
>Start getting sick... Oh joy...
>Say goodbye to roomies and Alicia. Leave con.
>Go to McDonalds on the way out of town.
>Drive home.
>Feel immune system crash almost immediately when I get home.
>Sleep

Sorry if this post has been boring for any of you who stumble on to it. This is more a jotting down of my memories for my own sake right now. I'll try to post pictures of the whole she-bang soon, but right now I want to leave you with the last picture taken on my camera from AI. I think it sums up my weekend quite nicely:
These are my bros. Not pictured are Erika and Gen, who were manning their Artist Alley booth, and Paige, who was running around the entire weekend. And yes, we are all awesome.

That's it for now. As someone I know says, "Bye, and be good to each other."

Plushies and Cupcakes,
Cynical Pie