Sometimes there is beauty

Hi. My name is Cynical Pie.

And sometimes? Sometimes I feel beautiful.

And I mean that not in a vain or egotistical way. It's only for a fleeting moment. When I glimpse the curve of my neck at the right angle or when the light catches my hair just right, I catch an inkling that I can be pretty.

These moments are few and far between. Most of the time I look in the mirror I see a girl who is awkward and shy and very, very unattractive. I see someone ugly. Someone unwanted. It's not a good feeling.

As an artist I savor the details of appearances. I devour pictures of the beautiful people in my J-rock magazines, tattoo and fashion books, and on the ads in Vogue. When you stare at, analyze, and draw beautiful things and then see no correlation with yourself, it gets kind of hard to be able to face your reflection each day.

But I'll get over it. That's what I always say to myself. "Let it go, this too shall pass. I'll get over it." As much as I crave attention, I can't let anyone in, let anyone know how I'm really feeling. I'm afraid that they'll just pass me off as an attention whore, push me away and then I'll be left with no one. I'm afraid of being alone. So I pour out my heart to the faceless internet and draw my beautiful, broken things in my sketchbook. Most of the time I draw beautiful, perfect things. But every so often there are sketches and pictures of how I feel on the inside. Of loneliness and ugliness and isolation. I can tell the pencil and paper, pour out my heart to the white canvas. I just wish I could tell someone to their face. It's just hard to. I can listen to other peoples' problems and give advice, but when it comes to my own problems I freeze up. It helps that most of my friends have already left for college or are too far away to see face to face. It's so easy to fake being happy on the internet and in messengers. Sometimes all I really crave is for someone to ask me how I'm really doing. But, it's so easy to put up a front through words on a screen, none can tell that behind the :) face you're really crying.

Sorry about all this if you managed to make it to the end of this very emo and random entry. It probably didn't make a lot of sense. Sometimes I just need to tell someone what's going on my my head, and the faceless internet seems like a good place to dump my problems.

Bye for now, and here's to happier days.

-Cynical Pie